i don't know what's wrong with me. i felt much better today - actually wanted to eat, which was a relief because i've been living off toast and eggs for the last week or so. i'm so tired, though. granted, i was up again at 2am with a sore throat and coughing fits of doom. i tried to be productive and do some painting, but had no luck. the cramped space is really not helping the creativity. did a bit of drawing, but nothing worthwhile. really need to get back to working on that comic. it's over a year now and there's no excuse anymore. i'm just lazy and i get frustrated too easily, so i put my things away and avoid it, like not practicing is going to make me better somehow. i used to be able to draw so well. i can't even get my monsters out anymore.

my body's exhausted. i slept for an hour today and it just can't wake up. since i can't seem to find a job despite the list of contacts i've been making, i figured i'd try an experiment. something along the lines of sleeping when i feel like i need to sleep, and being awake when i feel awake. i think i have bronchitis, but i was feeling all right today, until i had a major energy crash a few minutes ago. i need to do things. it's why going to the gym was so much more effective than using the treadmill in the basement. just getting out of the house is something. i did go to michael's for gesso and some canvas, but i refuse to pay $35 for 22oz of the stuff when i can get a bucket at Pearl for around the same price. i didn't want to drive 45 minutes there and another 45 back to my house today, (i hate route 1 in the rain... well, in general, but it's even worse in the rain). i am so sick of this weather. i feel like i've reached a point where i have no idea what to do next, and i can't make a living doing what i love - i don't know how i'm ever going to figure that one out, and i don't want to take an "in-between" job working in customer service and retail because i've seen too many people resign themselves to middle-management. even if it's not a great job, i'd at least like to be doing something vaguely artistic so i don't feel like i'm wasting my time. i think i have a horrible fear of turning out like one particular ex.

on the subject of exes (is that the correct plural? spell check says "no"... oh well), eric texted me earlier, asking if i wanted to hang out on tuesday. since he's still with lynne, i assume he's got entirely platonic intentions in his mind, at least. i have no problem being "just friends" - he had a choice and didn't pick me. i have no hard feelings about it, i honestly didn't expect anything to really come of it, it really was too good to have been anything that was going to last. if he'd rather stay with his ex, that's fine, but at least have a goddamned reason for it. "i don't know, i'd feel like an asshole if i just kicked her to the curb... it's like, you and me, we know each other but we don't really know each other, and it's like, why walk away when you've got a good thing going for you? and she's all right. i'm not serious about her, i don't see a future with her and i sure as hell don't want to marry her... but i can't break up with her. and i mean, at what point am i supposed to... you know, tell her that? i don't want it to be three years down the line and 'by the way, i don't wanna marry you' , that'd be terrible. and i know she's never going to break up with me. but you, i can see myself with" ...yeah, okay, that's great, but after that, any hope you had for a second chance is gone. i am not your consolation prize; i'm not waiting for you to learn how to be a man and confront unpleasant situations. my life has been one large unpleasant situation, and i've had to deal with it. i certainly wouldn't appreciate being led on for three years because my boyfriend was too scared he'd hurt my feelings by ending our relationship. ugh!

i don't want him to break up with her over me. that's stupid, unfair, and i'd never be able to trust him not to do it again. but we were friends before anything happened between us, and we managed to become friends again afterward. i have no issue accepting those terms. he likes to thinks he'll have to problem, but i know the way he works. things'll be fine for a while, and then he'll start feeling indecisive and guilty and confused, and i know i won't have nearly as much patience for this as i did the first time, and that it doesn't matter because it's no longer up to him because there's no decision anymore. i've been standby all my life and second-best in everything i've done, and i'm tired of it. so, in short, i agreed to hang out to see if he'll prove me right or wrong. the last time i agreed to hang out with someone who i wanted to be "just friends" with, i ended up with GHB (or something) in my drink. in retrospect, that sentence wasn't nearly as funny as it first sounded in my head.